Advice from the Geek Goddess - Dating and Relationship Tips December 2005
Dear Geek Goddess:
I have been a little down on my geek-seeking luck. While I have met a cast of weirdos, mean/bitter guys, overage virgins (not that there's **anything** wrong with that), and guys who don't write back, I am not meeting any real hard science geeks. Where are all the cool engineers and scientists?
I'm trying to be optimistic but... this sucks.
Don’t give up yet! My guess is that the real hard science geeks are stuck in their labs, sadly, and probably could use a little encouragement to get out. But that doesn’t really help you very much.
Is science your ONLY interest? My guess is not. That would make you boring, and while your letter is short, I got from the tone of it that you have a sense of humor – something that’s rare in a scientist, so good for you! Maybe you should stop looking specifically for science geeks and concentrate on other attributes you’d like to have in common with a man. It seems that your search is so specific you need to expand your criteria, kind of like when you don’t get any results on a search engine. Think about everything that’s important to you in a potential mate, and change your “ands” to “ors”. You’ll never find a guy who is exactly like you, otherwise you’d never need to have anyone else in your life but yourself.
If you’re so set on having a science geek for yourself, there are forums on the web devoted to science, math, and the like. Perhaps getting more involved in these areas will help you find the guy you’re looking for, or at least give you a start.
Dear Geek Goddess,
I read the letter in the November page from a woman who complained that none of the men she met on Geek 2 Geek were anything close to what she wanted. She always found something bothersome, either they have low level jobs, they write poorly, or they are not good conversationalists, etc. etc. I wanted to make a few comments.
In particular, has it occurred to anyone that the reason why the woman in question hasn't had any luck on dating sites is because she's a PIG? I mean seriously, what would your advice have been had it been a man writing, complaining that he couldn't find a woman who is perfect and rich and beautiful, with a great car and a corporate job, who would take him out and "wine and dine" him?
You do a good job in some places of pointing out her flaws (I liked the "how 1985" of you remark). However, I think you should have really called her out on her remarks about wanting a guy with a perfect professional job.
Is she literally that stupid that she doesn't think the computer industry is a profession? I do take issue with you not calling her out to task for not wanting someone with a "low-level job". You should have berated her snobbishness; instead, you simply give her advice to ask them about their job in advance.
Many men today are on a "Marriage STRIKE", often because of women just like that writer. We are fed up with being seen as "success objects", used to further a woman's social standing then dumped or divorced and literally "taken to the cleaners" in divorce court when she's through with us. We are fed up with a society that demands we work long hours at backbreaking jobs to provide for our families, only to lose those families because we have to work long hours at backbreaking jobs. And we are tired of women who complain that they can't seem to find the "perfect man", when they are not BY FAR the "perfect woman".
The writer in question seems to be completely clueless as to why she is causing her own problems. Most men can see a gold digger for what she is (except perhaps, the men who have gold...), and stay clear of them. At the rate that writer seems to be going, she'll be writing you in 20 years from a nursing home, in her 60's, complaining that she's never been in a serious relationship, has no kids, and nobody to take care of her, but will still have no clue as to how she put herself in that situation. All I can say to that is, "Good riddance".
PS: Your advice to the woman before her, to stop sitting around and waiting to be contacted, and instead make things happen herself, was right on mark!
Good point – why don’t you tell her yourself? Oh wait, you just did :-) Okay, I agree, and part of being an advice columnist is to be objective and try to give the writer the benefit of the doubt, but in this case, you make several good points – I screwed up, I’m sorry, and I’m admitting it. But as readers, it’s YOUR job to tell me when I do screw up, so thank you.
You give some excellent advice to all women out there who feel that men are supposed to carry them through life – and here’s what I say to that – RESPECT YOURSELVES! Not in the sense that you deserve to be wined and dined and covered in furs and diamonds and not do a damn thing about it except wake up around noon and look pretty for your doctor husband who is probably cheating on you with the head R.N. anyway. I mean go out, educate yourselves, get careers, and prove that you are capable of what society has always thought men are capable of.
Dear Geek Goddess,
I guess that is the correct way to start this email message. I've read your responses to people, and I liked the advice you have given them. I hope you can give me some good advice and steer me into the right direction. I am a 26 year-old male living in the Chicago area. I've been in two serious relationships in my life that have lasted a few years. I haven't actually dated anyone in three years, as I had suffered the loss of my Mother and my Grandfather three years ago. I was not interested in dating anyone, and have been anti-social up until the last few months.
Recently, I have been quite a bit more social and I feel that I've set aside the emotional baggage. I want to get back into dating, and I've been attempting the bar and club scene, but it doesn't seem to be for me. The type of woman I am looking for doesn't seem to exist, or at least, to be looking for someone like me. My life is mostly on a computer, as I work for a well known search engine company, and a lot of my entertainment comes from Internet usage and computer game playing. I do go out to bars with friends every weekend, and I catch the occasional movie. I spend a fair amount of time going to arcades like Dave and Busters or Game Works. The last books I have read are "Running Linux" and "DNS and BIND" to give you an understanding on how geeky I am. The woman I am looking for is someone who shares some of those same interests. She does not have to be as extreme of a geek as I am, but at least have the passion for some of the same things. It seems like most women I have met or talked to that share those interests are either taken or are looking for someone completely different. I really have no other requirements in my perfect woman. Would you say I am doomed to a single life? It seems like most women on gk2gk.com are not looking for true computer geek men.
No one is doomed to a single life, not even computer geeks. Okay, kidding aside, it sounds to me as though you have just been off the scene for a while and not without good reason. You’ve had two serious relationships so it seems that you know how it works, and are capable of maintaining a relationship so that’s good – there’s clearly nothing wrong with you so I don’t need to give you the “stop looking at only the pretty girls” speech.
I’ll tell you which direction I would never steer you or anyone in is the bar and club scene. You’ve figured this out for yourself that it isn’t for you, but the reason for that is probably that you’re not looking for a one-night stand, as so many people in bars and clubs are, you’re looking straight for a relationship. Why? Probably because that’s what you’ve experienced, and now that you’re ready for it again, you want to get right back into it. But relationships don’t just occur overnight – they’re formed through different methods – friendship, acquaintances and dating are three that come to mind.
You say you go out to bars with friends every weekend – first of all, why do you persistently go out to bars if you don’t think the scene is for you? Okay, that’s where all of your friends are and friends are a great place to start. I’m not saying that you should just go out and start dating all of your friends right off the bat but perhaps start digging into the network of your friends and see whom they know. You probably don’t want to straight out ask your friends if they have friends for you to date – that might sound a bit desperate, but maybe suggest that everyone go out to dinner one night and bring a friend of theirs, you’d be surprised who you’d meet that way. Maybe you should start planning different types of outings – a change from the bar/club/arcade scene. Try organizing a venture to comedy clubs, theaters, or different venues. You live in Chicago – there are some great interactive places to go out on the weekends, and not expensive either!
Please send your questions about dating and relationships to geekgoddess@gk2gk.com
